THE ROLLER COASTER THAT IS DATING IN YOUR 20's...(and maybe 30's , 40's etc.)

So I recently started a new book called "Fuimos Canciones" (btw if you can read Spanish, you need to get that book ASAP). You know, trying to keep up with my a book a month goal and I don’t know if it’s the fact that I identify so much with the book or the fact that so many friends of mine have been coming to me talking about the same thing…..dating absolutely sucks!! ..at least when it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to.

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea why I am writing this, I think it could be because I feel comfort in knowing that other people are going through the same thing as me and that I don’t know….I'm not alone.

I have no idea how to describe what dating has been for me over the past two years. I've always been the girl with all the guy friends but who also got along with all the girls. I always had a goal and I never really thought much about guys in a romantic way. I mean come on, I was getting all my necessary romance from my shoujo anime. Hard to admit but I always thought that I was the ugly one in my group of drop dead gorgeous friends so I didn’t really give dating or love a thought.

That all changed when I started living in Madrid.

I went from that funny friend that everyone is cool with to that exotic girl from the Caribbean that everyone keeps talking about. Obviously, I didn’t know how to handle that change. At first I didn’t really care, I was in a new city, I needed to make new friends and create new memories but after a while I thought that maybe I do need to put myself out there, I don’t wanna be single foreverrrr.

And oh boy, the stories I have…I think I have dated them all.

THERE ARE:

The guys who obsess over you because you're the closest thing to Rihanna that they will ever get or because they have never dated someone like you and they wanna see what its like.

The I'm not looking for anything serious but I do want all the perks of having girlfriend type of guy.


The I think this would work best if we had like an open relationship type of guy and don’t get me wrong, to each his own but if you're using that as an excuse just so you can see other girls then be an adult and say that.


Every time I talk with my friends, it's scary that no matter where we are from or located or who we are dating,we all are going through the same thing.

Met a new guy and wanna wait until the right time to tell your friends about him because you don’t wanna jinx it or look like an idiot if it doesn’t work out? It’s the 4th date and it went well and he seems different and super interested? Oh what's that? You're gonna stop being so defensive and let him in? 

You finally tell your friends, you're happy, its all good and then BAM!! the dates you were supposed to have get cancelled, excuses, and then comes the I don’t think this is working out or even worse, HE GHOSTS* YOU..👻👻

Been there, done that and wrote the blog post about it and now the hard part is deciding whether or not to tell your friends the truth when they ask about him or just lie to save face and say that you weren't really feeling him anymore…

Or what about the guy who disappears and reappears only when he wants something? The one you didn’t hear from for months but his mind just supposedly ran across you after a month or so even though he is the first one to like your pics and watch your InstaStory, was your mind on a standstill back then or???

Or the one that is just dating so they don’t have to think about their ex and what better way to deal with your emotions that not think about it and involve yourself with someone new? Am I right?

 And lets not forget the I'm confused and I don’t know what I want guy or the I'm not looking for anything serious right now but somehow in a months time he is taking a weekend trip with the love of his life, sis, what he really wanted to say was, "I don’t want anything serious…with you"(the with you is silent you know, like the t in tsunami)

We’ve all been there before and trust me, I know it hurts like a mf because I think a lot of girls are like that, we create situations in our head that just don’t play out or we love like we have never been hurt because we want to see the good and maybe that is our flaw. We should be smarter,more cautious, love ourselves enough to know what we deserve and to know that we are good on our own.

Of course us girls are not totally innocent, in dating, sometimes you are the one hurting someone else. You meet a nice guy and you want to like him so bad but there is just something missing and you start to wonder if you deserve every piece of bad karma that is going to come your way.

And sometimes in dating you meet someone that becomes your friend. The one that gives you advice, the one that you can always turn to, the one that makes you laugh, the one that makes you think that they are so important that you can't imagine your life without them.

I can't sit here and say all guys are like this because that definitely is a lie. In my experience, through all of the laughs shared and tears shed, I have learned something you know? Every single person served a purpose and taught me a lesson and made me more of the person who I am today. It made me really understand what I want and I don’t want and taught me not to be afraid to let go of people who aren't good for me. It made me understand that no matter how many times you are hurt, you should never stop loving.

I know it's difficult. When things don’t work out you start to think about what is wrong with yourself? Why didn’t he write me or call me? Why doesn’t he want to see me again? Why did he choose her over me? I think if we keep thinking about the why and me together, we will drive ourselves crazy! Sometimes we just have to understand that it's nothing wrong with you and it says so much about them than it does about you!

And I'm sure guys go through this just as much as girls but I just wanted this to focus on my girls for a minute. 

And oh, one more thing. Please don't let anyone make you feel crazy just because you call them out on their behavior. I think that is such a big problem now in dating. If you address someone about their inconsistency or their come and go type of interest in you and they make you feel like you are obsessed or crazy, please let that person go. We are adults and if we are involved and I can't come to you about a behavior of yours that I consider problematic without you calling me psycho or referring to me as crazy then bye, you can try to use your Gaslighting* techniques elsewhere.

So in the end, dating is hard, especially emotionally and you may want to just give up and group everyone as the same but the truth is, once you start loving yourself, walking with confidence and demanding what you deserve you will start to attract it. I'm the last person who should be giving advice about all of this and self love because it really is a struggle, it really is an uphill battle but please take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone! The right guy or girl is out there for you but in the mean time just do you boo!

*Ghosting:

/ˈɡəʊstɪŋ/

noun

the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

"I thought ghosting was a horrible dating habit reserved for casual flings"

*Gaslighting:

Dictionary result for gaslight

/ˈɡaslʌɪt/

verb

gerund or present participle: gaslighting

1. manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.

   "in the first episode, Karen Valentine is being gaslighted by her husband"